just another saturday night

I'll warn you now:  photo overload.  I think I'm making up for lost time.  This is my first blog post of 2012 and it's nearly May.  Have you missed me?  The truth is, I haven't been much into blogging lately.  Shocking, I know.  I do have photos to share. That isn't the problem.  It's more of a fundamental question:  what is the point of me blogging anyway?  It's a question that has gone much deeper than this blog.  It's more of a "Who am I?" question.  I used to know what I liked and what I didn't like, but so much has been shifting inside of me, that I'm not sure anymore.  I guess I'm trying to figure out who I am.  It's like my butterfly story from last summer:  the shedding of layers of who I am not in order to become who I truly am.  I'm somewhere in the shedding process, I think.  It's messy, very messy, and not very pretty sometimes, and leaves me with more questions than answers...

But, back to the point of this post.  Last night Miss A wanted to get a blanket and put it in our front yard to lie down and look up at the sky.  I told her I'd join her.  Pretty soon, the whole family was squeezing onto the blanket.  I wish I had audio to go along with the photos.  You'd hear a lot of "Hey, stop touching me.  You're in MY spot. ZZZZ!!! Move over.  Stop squishing MEE!! MMM!!!  Get out of my way."  It was a lovely moment of chaos.

 So lovely, that I could not resist documenting it.  As soon as I brought out my camera, everyone groaned.  "Not a moments peace," they said.  Someday, they will thank me.

The girls and I have taken a recent interest in watching the skies...for birds.  It's been so fascinating to learn about all the birds around our place.  I have never in my life been interested in birds, but there are so many around here, and it's been fun to watch the skies and lakes to see who is up there.

 Little Z is actually the only one who was happy to pose for me.  "Cheese" he says, and does his funny head tilt and cheesey grin.  He moved closer to my camera for the middle shot, moving out of focus, but I love that expression, so it's a keeper. 

 "Stop taking photos!!"

 M's scrunched up face.  Love that face.

 The photo on the left made me laugh so hard, I had to put my camera down for a few minutes.  We had the "retake" on the right, but I think I like the one on the left better.  He loves me taking photos.

 Hope I made you smile.  :)

a very sad story

I'm a private person, and tend not to share deeply personal things on this blog.  But, this time, it seems appropriate for a few reasons.  Maybe someone else will be able to relate to my experience.  And, it's just therapeutic for me to write right now.

I'll just start at the beginning.

About three weeks ago, I found out some very shocking news.  

I was pregnant.  Unexpectedly.  I had given away all of my maternity clothes and all of my baby clothes.  I was very much done. Done. Done. Done.

And, so to find out I was pregnant was a huge surprise. 

I spent the next week feeling completely panicked.  How in the world was I going to take care of another baby?  I already had a baby!  And, how in the world was I going to take care of 4 kids?!  Three kids, I have learned to handle, but 4 seemed to stretch me beyond my human limits.

A few weeks passed, though, and I was making space for the baby.  I made space in my heart, and in our family.  Little Z was going to be a big brother.  He was supposed to just be a little brother, but now he was going to be a big brother!  Wow, a big brother.  I was excited for him to have a little buddy--someone on his level that he could go through life with--a friend.  I was making plans for how we were going to fit another little person into our home.  I bought a few maternity clothes, and was making plans for things we would need to acquire--like another double stroller since ours was long, long gone.

And, I was excited about the little life growing inside of me.  I was looking forward to meeting him, and taking photos  of him (of course!), and getting to know him.  I was beginning to embrace my reality.

And, then, something very sad happened.  We lost the baby.  Last week at 9 weeks and 3 days old (in the womb), our little baby died.  I have never lost a baby before.  And this loss is rather intangible.  Because, it feels like losing something you never exactly had.  I'm not sure what you believe about the soul, but I believe that this little baby had a soul, and that the little soul is now in heaven.  

To me, the loss feels very deep and very sad.  I won't get to touch those little fingers and toes.  I won't get to see his little face or get to know his little personality.  I know I am very blessed to have three beautiful children, but this loss is about this baby.  I'm learning I can be grateful and sad all at the same time.

My doctor gave us some great advice.  He encouraged us to do something as a family to commemorate the baby.  We gave him a name.  Since I don't really share out kids' names on this blog, I just tell you his name is baby O.  I found a little wooden cross that we could remember him by.  On Sunday morning, we had a little ceremony where we each said a few words, and placed the cross in our backyard.

I've taken the week "off."  I've got a great group of friends here who are taking good 

care of me bringing our family meals each night so that I don't have to cook.  Other instructors are teaching my Jazzercise classes for me.  It's giving me space.  The space I need to just be.  To have time to grieve.  And time to just sit.  

I'm sure the sadness will eventually lessen, and I'll eventually find my new normal--whatever that may be.  But, for now, I'm sitting down, and just letting my heart wait.

 Z enjoyed playing while we had our little ceremony.  Look at that hair sticking straight up!

He loves that little yellow shovel!

For little O.  We love you, even though we never knew you!

all I wanted for mother's day...

...was a nice photo of the kids and I.  So, I innocently handed the camera to David and asked him to snap away.  I guess I should have hired a professional.  We laughed and laughed as we looked through these.  To his credit, David did get me a beautiful necklace and earrings to match.  I love them!

Hope these give you a good laugh too.

 What is little Z looking at??

 Now, we've got Z, but where did Miss M go?!

 Miss M is officially hiding. Niiiice.

 This is the best one of the lot, and the kids' expressions are anything but natural and happy.  Forced smiles, shall we say?  And utter dilusionment from Z.

 Umm, I think we're done here.

The girls stomped off in disgust, "Daddy, why are you taking so LONG?!"  So, it was just Z and I.  This one's a keeper.  Maybe that should have been my strategy.  One photo with each kid.  Oh well, there's always next year.

family silhouette

We've been having some beau-ti-ful weather lately.  Balmy.  Lovely.  Think warm sunshine, flip-flops and open windows kind of weather.  I love it!  I know you're jealous, but I have to document these things to remind myself that living in Florida is not-so-bad.

Anyway, we took advantage of it, and went for a family walk over the weekend.  It was great.  I forget how much I love being outside.  I have become a hermit since living in Orlando simply because most of the time it's so stinkin' hot I can't stand it.   There are many more photos to share, but for now, here's my new favorite of our family:  a little silhouette action.



And, I'm just in time to play along with Emily's "Embrace the Camera" game.  Well, it's not really a game, but it's sure fun!

it's short: the backstory

It's interesting what a simple haircut will reveal about your kid's personalities.

I went to the salon on Friday morning with long-ish hair.  Hair that desperately needed some style.  It's so hard to get to the salon with a baby in your life.  I was long overdue.  The change was dramatic to say the least!

It's a little shorter than I expected, but I'm getting used to it, and liking it most of the time.
With my scatterbrain, I ended up locking myself outside of my house, and since it was cold in FL on Friday, I decided to wait in my car in the garage to keep warm.

David had taken little Z to school to have lunch with the girls, but came back to let me in the house. (Good man!) When they pulled up, I looked over, waved and smiled at little Z, who usually smiles back.  But this time, he just stared at me.  Sort of an open-mouthed stare.  Confused.  Who is that woman smiling and waving at me?!
It took him a few minutes to realize that it was me.  The women who gave birth to him and who takes care of him everyday.

When Miss M got home from school, she could not hide her shock.  Upon seeing me, she screamed. Literally screamed like she had just seen a ghost.  "You look UGLY!" she shouted, and could not contain her horror at my short hair.  Nice, M, very nice.  She's the dramatic one of the family.

Miss A sort of looked at me with wide-eyes.  "Hmmm," she pondered aloud, "that's....interesting.  I think it's okay."  Very diplomatic and polite.

And, that about sums it up. I do love my children, but sometimes I'd love to pop them on the side of the head.   Instead, I'll just blog about them and get it out that way. :)

me and my four loves

A picture says a thousand words. Enjoy!











Thanks to my friend, Emily, for taking these for us! I LOVE them! She hosts a weekly challenge on her blog called "embrace the camera" encouraging moms to get behind the camera themselves. Love it! I thought it would be a great week to join in her fun with these photos.

Happy New Year Resolutions 2011

One of my New Year's Resolutions this year is to blog more often. I really enjoy it. It's a fun way to document little moments and get to know others as well. Along with that, I'm planning to make a blog book this year using a site called blurb. You can "slurp" you blog into a blurb book. It's great. You can also make photo books there.

So, I should probably get to posting more photos so that my book would actually represent our year and not just snippets here and there. I also want to get back to taking at least a photo a day. It has gotten so hard to do this!

Resolution #2 is to go to bed earlier so that I can work my way out of sleep deprivation. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've gotten to sleep through the night in the past few months. Little Z-man has been up a lot for one reason or another. Mothers of babies, I know you can relate! Sleep deprivation does not do pretty things to one's disposition. Especially mine. Sleep, I need more sleep!

Resolution #3: bring order to chaos. The flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants approach to life was working pretty well for me. And, then baby #3 came along, and life sort of ceased to function very well. Heaps of laundry, piles of stuff everywhere, sporadic trips to the grocery store only to come home and still not have the ingredients for dinner....you get the picture. Life was just getting a bit out-of-control.

So, I'm taking baby steps. First step: make a meal plan and follow it! On the simplest level, it's just writing down what I'm going to make for dinner and make sure I have all the ingredients I need. So far, it's making life much less chaotic. Second step: bring the whole family into doing chores regularly. Third Step: try to clean something & organize a space on a regular/rotating basis.

That's it. We'll see how I do! What are your New Year's resolutions?

photo booth

How many Christmas parties have you been to this year? Our office party this year was particularly fun because they brought in a Photobooth. You know, the kind you go in, hide behind the curtain, and come out with prints? Real, live, prints? It was so fun. The girls were in school, so it was just David and I with little Z. I loved what we captured. So fun!

update

Wanted to give you a quick update on little Z-man. His blood work came back looking great. So, he is a very healthy little baby, and is doing just fine. We're so thankful. It was quite an emotional roller coaster for a few days. Thanks for your prayers and for thinking of us!

I've definitely been taking more time to just stop and enjoy him. And my girls. They are such little blessings! Happy Thursday :)

fun friday

It's been a not-so-fun week at my house.

I've been lying around sick-y most of the week, thus my lack of blogging.
No fun.

But, I did finally get out of the house last weekend, and headed to Target
where I found these cute shoes on the clearance rack for only $10.
Very fun!

That was right before I went to Chili's with some friends and started to feel like I was going to faint.
No fun.

So little Z and I have been lying around together on the floor all week.
He's laughing at us now, playing peek-a-boo, grabbing his feet, and rolling over both ways.
Very fun!

Hope you've had a fun Friday!

i miss them!

It's been a long week, friends! The first week of school.
After two years of home educating the girls, we're trying something new this year, and sending the girls to public school. It's been a HUGE change.

It felt so strange on Monday when they walked out the door. It was so quiet. Quiet enough that I could actually hear myself think. Very bizarre.

I really miss them being around. But, I really love the silence too. Tasks that have been on my "to do" list for months have finally been accomplished this week. And, I feel like I have space again to just "be."

I think little Z misses them too!

in love.

first impressions

Watching the girls meet their baby brother for the first time was amazing. They were so delighted and full of joy and wonder. His tiny little toes were particularly cute to them. These are such precious memories!

our new little man

He finally arrived Tuesday morning at 3:02am. We're in love!

more belly

It's the final countdown...just three weeks left.




photos taken by Emily Anderson

the belly: week 24

It's definitely got a little pop to it now. I'm slightly behind in posting, since I'm now at week 27. Oh well, close enough.

merry christmas

moroccan birthday {Epcot}

David and I had fun at Epcot celebrating my birthday yesterday. I am now 35! Wow, it seems like a big number to me. I got in free since it was my birthday, and got to wear a HUGE birthday badge that said, "Happy Birthday, Kristina." I don't think I've ever been wished "Happy Birthday" by so many strangers before. An amusing experience for sure.

We ate a late lunch at the Marrakesh Moroccan restaurant, and it was incredible! The food was delicious, and the service was outstanding. I would highly recommend it. It was a great all-day date, topped off by our favorite Christmas program, the "Candlelight Processional." Thanks for a fun day, David! I love you :)

20 weeks

It's hard to believe I'm already at the half-way point. But, it's true.
20 weeks. They've really flown by so quickly.
Life is busy and full in a good way.
I am blessed!
Here's the baby bump again.


A big thank you to my friend, Emily, for taking these photos for us today.